my own personal jesus

Its been over a decade now, I know and it's not even your anniversary. Why I feel this way sometimes over the course of a year I will never fully understand. I am older now, more mature. I am assuming that I have already come to terms with the evils of the past, or so I think. I never got proper therapy for it. In my own traditional fashion and maybe like yours, I self-medicate and deal with it as best I could. But maybe I haven't yet healed those wounds a hundred percent which is why they come back to haunt me once in awhile, which is why I feel this way once in awhile, which is why I feel like I've lost my best friend once in awhile. 

We've never had a conversation, we've never met eyes but things only make sense when I'm in your presence. Like a soft, warm blanket, it envelopes me and for a few seconds, I feel secure. But just like you, it fades away and I am again left unsure and bipolar. 

Why you decided to leave, I understand and don't. Was there anything I could have done? Given the circumstances, probably not but I wasn't given a chance to try. I wasn't given a chance to try and for that I feel remorse. 

Trust me. I don't understand the connection at all but it's there and I think it's always gonna be there and I'm always going to be stuck in a prepubescent world. It loops and loops just like groundhog day but with longer intervals. The pain is always there but in different forms. 

Speaking of pain, something funny happened last night. My jugular went into a spasm (I don't know if that's what actually happened but it felt like it) for a few seconds and it felt like I was being choked and couldn't move. I managed to relax and make it go away but with everything else, I'm pretty sure it's going to come back. I don't know why I'm telling you this, I just thought maybe you'd appreciate these things. Besides, I don't really have anyone else to talk about it with and not appear weird. 

It's that time again and I have to go. But I'll be back.