So a friend of a friend passed away yesterday. I didn't know the guy. Maybe I met him once or twice in passing but I don't remember and I guess it's not really important.
Why am I writing about it? I don't understand it myself so I'll just go with feel. There are just some things that hit you directly and are extremely difficult to shake off, you know what I mean? Maybe it's because I've also been going through a difficult time lately and reading his last words tugged at my heartstrings. Probably. I just need to get it off my chest and the only way I can think of is to write about it.
From what I know, this guy was quite the party animal. He owned some of the hottest nightclubs in town and spent most of his days partying until he was diagnosed with cancer. He was 35. A year later, he passed away.
I don't know what it's like to be diagnosed with cancer. I don't know how it affects different kinds of people. This guy wanted to kill himself to end the suffering. I can definitely understand that and would probably feel the same way but the beauty in his story is that he decided not to with the help of prayer and the support of family and friends. He battled it through the end and I'm happy he finally found the calm and courage to accept his fate.
And then there's me. Although I spent 20-something of my years going through all sorts of different struggles, for the first time in my life, I can say that my life now is ideal. I am not filthy rich but I am neither poor. I have my own tight family unit, I am surrounded by good friends and I have more than I need but lately, I have been experiencing bouts of depression again. Why???
There is no reason for me to feel this way which makes it even more difficult to accept.
All my life I have experienced these periods but back then they were justifiable.
Reading this guy's last words made me feel ashamed of myself. He is going through a lot but he found salvation and acceptance. Why can't I especially when I have no reason to feel this way at all?
I feel like I'm stuck in this dark hole with slippery walls that make it impossible to climb out and get away. The more I try the further I slip away.
I know there's prayer, meds, and other forms of therapy that may (or may not) give release but I just don't have the energy to do any of that.
There are days when I can't move, when I can't face people, when there's nothing to focus on except this gaping hole.
It's a hollow pain my chest.
I want it to go away.
For once, I want to be able to appreciate and enjoy everything I've been blessed with. My beautiful daughter, this beautiful world we live in and a man who stands by me everyday.
I want to live a normal life. To be happy when there's no reason anymore to be sad.
I don't want my emotions to be triggered by the most trivial of things.
I don't want to feel like everything is pointless. Like everyone is superficial. Like everything I do lacks in substance.
I want freedom. Freedom from pain, freedom from my thoughts, freedom from this feeling of defeat and loss and sadness.